Minimum Safe Distance

I'm Riff. I'm a writer for a popular online game called Kingdom of Loathing. This is my blog. There are many like it, but this one is mine.

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Wed Jan 26
Psycho: “I think you guys are being kind of drastic here. I’m sure it’s all a big misunderstanding.”
Phil: “Misunderstanding? You are a psycho, who attempted to assault and murder members of our community.”
Psycho: “What, little ol’ me? Come on, I wouldn’t hurt a fly!”
Phil: “You were carrying a briefcase full of severed human ears.”
Psycho: “Nonsense!”
Phil: “I have it right here. Thank you, Tinyfiretruckbot.”
Tinyfiretruckbot: “Weeeeee Beeeeyoooooooop.”
Psycho: “Oh, that briefcase. Okay, sure.”
Cindy: “And you attacked me with a knife!”
Psycho: “Can I have my knife back now?”
Cindy: “No!”
Psycho: “Okay okay okay. Sure, I’m totally murderously insane and everything, but just look at yourselves! Hanging a prisoner upside down by one leg to interrogate him? Don’t you think that’s a little ‘Lord of the Flies’? I believe it was Decartes who said ‘He who fights with monsters must take care lest he thereby become a monster himself.’”
Tinyfiretruckbot: “Whoooooop.”
Psycho: “Nietzche? All right, well, whoever said it, you see my point, right?”
Phil: “…Yes, I suppose I do.”
Marty: “Woah, Phil, what? You’re going to let this freak go?”
Phil: “No, certainly not, he’s much too dangerous. Cindy, cut him up.”
Psycho: “Woahwoahwoahwoah!”
Phil: “Oh, sorry, I meant to say ‘cut him down’. And then lock him in one of the cells in the courthouse.”
Marty: “We’re gonna have to look at that vocabulary chip, Phil.”

Psycho: “I think you guys are being kind of drastic here. I’m sure it’s all a big misunderstanding.”

Phil: “Misunderstanding? You are a psycho, who attempted to assault and murder members of our community.”

Psycho: “What, little ol’ me? Come on, I wouldn’t hurt a fly!”

Phil: “You were carrying a briefcase full of severed human ears.”

Psycho: “Nonsense!”

Phil: “I have it right here. Thank you, Tinyfiretruckbot.”

Tinyfiretruckbot: “Weeeeee Beeeeyoooooooop.”

Psycho: “Oh, that briefcase. Okay, sure.”

Cindy: “And you attacked me with a knife!”

Psycho: “Can I have my knife back now?”

Cindy: “No!”

Psycho: “Okay okay okay. Sure, I’m totally murderously insane and everything, but just look at yourselves! Hanging a prisoner upside down by one leg to interrogate him? Don’t you think that’s a little ‘Lord of the Flies’? I believe it was Decartes who said ‘He who fights with monsters must take care lest he thereby become a monster himself.’”

Tinyfiretruckbot: “Whoooooop.”

Psycho: “Nietzche? All right, well, whoever said it, you see my point, right?”

Phil: “…Yes, I suppose I do.”

Marty: “Woah, Phil, what? You’re going to let this freak go?”

Phil: “No, certainly not, he’s much too dangerous. Cindy, cut him up.”

Psycho: “Woahwoahwoahwoah!

Phil: “Oh, sorry, I meant to say ‘cut him down’. And then lock him in one of the cells in the courthouse.”

Marty: “We’re gonna have to look at that vocabulary chip, Phil.”

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